I walked on the moon

Dear Joel,

I love stand-up comedy, but it's awfully hard to find comedians whose humor on stage is clean. That's why my favorites are Jim Gaffigan and Brian Regan. They're both pretty clean in their humor, and they're both hilarious. You can find multiple shows from both of them available on Spotify, but I'd recommend trying to watch their shows on YouTube or something (facial expressions and physical gestures are an important part of comedy, in my opinion). I would say Brian Regan's The Epitome of Hyperbole is my single favorite stand-up routine, if I had to pick one. Unfortunately, that one's not available on YouTube, so instead you should watch I Walked on the Moon, because it is.

Of course, lots of other things make me laugh too. So here's two more brief videos from one of my favorite sitcoms (Seinfeld). These are probably my two favorite scenes from the whole series.

Kramer's pinky toe story really sums up his character in just a couple of minutes.

And George's Marine Biologist story has a wonderful ending.

So there's a glimpse at what makes me laugh. And since I brought up TV, let me ask you, what are a few of your favorite TV shows? What tends to draw you in? Within your favorite shows, do you have favorite episodes?

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#Funnynotfunny

Dear Jake,

I was going to record myself doing a stand-up routine, but I realize that I'm not funny.  Well, I don't think other people really think I'm funny.  I think I'm funny, but generally, I don't think other people think I'm funny.

Stand-up would be hard.  Really hard.  Also, really risky.  I admire comics.  I think I could do it if I were a stoner or a drunk.  Unfortunately I don't have the time or money or lack of sense to be a stoner or a drunk so I can't write funny jokes born out of my altered way of seeing the world.

You always make me feel funny because you laugh at things that I say.  I think that it's really nice that you do that for people.  Your laugh always feels genuine.

I have always enjoyed that you can see the funny in everything.  Remember the act Ken Davis did called "Reasons for Joy"?  I know you remember it because we pretty much memorized the whole thing.  The truth that funny surrounds us and is everywhere is a good lesson.  You are able to see the funny where others don't always see it.  You also genuinely enjoy the funny where others hold themselves back.

This is funny.  I'm sitting in my office right now with the door open.  I just farted really loudly because there isn't anyone here and I figured I could.  I just realized, however, that there are in fact two people working on something on the computer only 10 feet from my office.  You see, there is never anyone in the office at this time, accept for THIS time.  I figure one of three things.  Either they heard it and are secretly chuckling behind my back.  They heard it and are awkwardly ignoring the fact that it happened.  They heard it but assume that my desk or chair is creaky.  The best part is that in a minute I'm going to have to walk right past them.  I hope it's awkward.

See, that's why people don't think I'm funny.  I dig the awkward.  I am usually fairly comfortable in awkward situations.  Most people don't.  I find a lot of funny when people are squirming for some reason.  That's why one of my favorite things to do is troll facebook.  I think I'm funny.  Most people probably don't.  That's okay with me. 

But I can't be a stand-up comic.

I think Tim Hawkins is funny.  Here, watch him a minute.  He's coming to the quad cities and I would like to go.

What about you?  Who is your favorite comic?  What is your favorite routine?  Can you link to a video of it?

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Zombie Conversation

Dear Joel,

The other day I put three invitations in the mail. I'm inviting a few folks to have lunch with me in a few weeks. I think we're going to go to Zombie Burger in Des Moines, because I don't want my lunch mates to be too comfortable, and I think Zombie Burger will creep them out just enough. Also, they have great burgers there!

Wanna know who I'm inviting?

1. Thomas Sowell, author and economist. Sowell has recently been very influential in my opinions on economics, politics, education, and other issues. I just finished reading The Thomas Sowell Reader, which is a collection of his writings from books, journals, newspaper columns, etc. He's an incredibly intelligent guy with a great sense of humor and writing style. He doesn't write about faith or religion, much, so I would want to ask him about some of those beliefs of his which he does not address (at least in the tidbits I've read from him).

2. Goliath, Philistine and giant. Recent scholarship suggests that Goliath was probably 6' 9" tall rather than well over 9' tall, so first of all, I'd be interested to size him up. Then I'd ask him what it was like facing off against David, and find out what he'd do differently if he could go back to that battle again (I imagine he'd start with, "I'd duck").

3. Nolan Ryan, major league pitcher. This guy played for so long - I read he struck out 7 sets of fathers and sons during his career (including Bobby and Barry Bonds).

This list was hard to narrow to three. Some of the other guys I strongly considered were:

Kenesaw Mountain Landis - 1st commissioner of baseball, famous for banning the 8 White Sox players implicated in throwing the 1919 World Series. I'd ask him if he had any regrets, and how he feels about the idiotic replay rules in baseball today (can you tell I'm itching for opportunities to gripe about them?).

Nikola Tesla

Orville (or Wilbur) Wright

Rosa Parks

General William T. Sherman

My question for you: Have you ever thought about becoming a stand-up comedian? If you were to try it out, what kinds of topics would you include in your act?

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Honestly Though, I'm the Best

Dear Jake,


I don't usually like loud-mouthed athletes.  I was going to say that I didn't like loud-mouthed athletes unless they play for my team, but nope, I thought about it, I don't like loud-mouthed athletes at all. 

Greed for money doesn't bother me much.  It's business.  Most of these professional sports are multi-billion dollar  industries.  If you work hard meeting the type of demands these sports put on you, you should probably fight for as big a piece of pie you can get.  I'm not gonna lie, I would.  So it's not the money thing that gets me.

The desire to be in the limelight isn't it either, I don't think.  I really think the limelight lands on the best performers.  You can talk forever and make a lot of noise, but people really only care about you if you are valuable to them in some way.

It's probably the arrogance thing that gets me.  Richard Sherman bugs me.  If only he was as good as he thinks he is.  It seems that the people who talk the loudest always end up thinking they are a little bit better than they actually turn out to be.  Don't get me wrong here.  I think Richard Sherman is probably one of the best in his position to ever play the game.  I think his numbers back that up, but he forgets that he is one of many on a team and without them, he's not much.  He thinks he is a little bit better than the best.  I think this meme that floated around the internet for a week or so post Superbowl sort of sums up what usually ends up happening to the talkers.

I don't know, I usually don't end up liking the people that like themselves so much that they don't leave any room for the rest of us.  You should like yourself, sure, but when you start loving yourself like the talkers love themselves, it doesn't leave me any room to like you.  I imagine that people like Sherman wake up, look in the mirror, flex, and kiss themselves for about 1/2 an hour every morning.  He doesn't need me to like him.

Some people dig it though.  They are the people that don't even like themselves, so they get their jollies by feeding off the residue love that the talkers leave like a trail of slime.

I'm supposed to ask you a question, I'd rather give an assignment.  So I'll give an assignment in the form of a question.  Will you write a short story in the first person describing a lunch date that you have with your choice of any three people alive or dead?  Tell us who the people invited to your lunch are.  Tell us where you are going to eat.  Tell us why you want to have lunch with them.  Tell us some of the conversations you expect to have with these people.

I also want to encourage anyone reading this to share your thoughts on these subjects as well.  I'm not sure anyone else does read these, but it's super fun to have a community involved in the discussions.  Share your thoughts.  We don't judge.  Feel free to ask your own questions too.  If you want, share this blog with other people who actually think about things and might want to participate in these discussions.

I can't speak for Jake, but I want to use this blog as an outlet to blast out my own thoughts and think them through via writing.  I'm not trying to build a huge audience, but I'm always for people joining in on the conversation.  Be part of it, and invite friends to be part of it too if you want.

Sincerely,
Joel

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Patriot-ism

Dear Joel,

Ok, fine. Let's talk football.

I don't like the Patriots. It started when they won 3 Super Bowls in 4 years about 10 years ago. It's nothing personal, but I think it's normal for sports fans to root against established champions (unless it's your team, of course). Almost the whole country was pulling for the Royals in last fall's World Series. Not because they all hate the Giants, but because the Giants had already won twice in just the last few years. And I'm sure at some level in the recesses of my mind, I also don't like the Patriots because I'm a Cowboys fan. I like to think that the early 90s Cowboys dynasty was one of the best in the history of the NFL. Every time another team is as successful as often for a period of years, it makes that Cowboys team seem less special.

Then my dislike continued because of Brady and Belichick. Don't get me wrong, I think those guys are two of the best who have ever held those positions - but that doesn't mean I like them. I get irritated with the coach's lack of openness about his team and his system, his gruffness with the media and the way he doesn't give anyone anything to use as ammunition against him or his team. I hate those qualities - even while simultaneously wishing that my team was more like that. The last 10 years of Cowboys football has included far too much press coverage for negative reasons. Diva attitudes like that of T.O. make it tough for us to defend our team in the public square.

Then in 2007 my dislike for the Patriots heightened. The Spygate news came out, and I hate cheaters. Then, as if to spite everyone who got mad at the Patriots in the early part of that season, they were almost invincible on the football field. Watching them play was like watching the US Men's basketball team in the 1992 Olympics (the Dream Team). They didn't just win, they destroyed opponents. They were quite literally unstoppable. Given their still recent success and the Spygate stuff, I really didn't like them, so their success that year made me disdain them more and more. I don't like the New York Giants, but when they defeated New England in the Super Bowl following that season, I was ecstatic.

It's remained that way for awhile now. I was happy again when the Giants beat them again in the Super Bowl a few years later. And as this season wore on and the Patriots seemed to get better and better, all I could think was, "Aren't they supposed to be done being good?" Brady is old (for a football player). Belichick is old (for anyone). Isn't their "dynasty" supposed to be gone? When the Conference Championships were decided a few weeks ago I was bummed at the two teams that were going to be in the Super Bowl. I don't like the Pats for reasons described above, but I didn't want Seattle to win back-to-back championships either. So whom should I root for?

Then Deflategate happened. There's a lot about this story I still don't know or understand. I don't know how clear it is that deflating the footballs was intentional. I don't know whether there was involvement by Patriot coaches or players. I don't know if deflating footballs would really result in much of an advantage. And I know it didn't provide enough of an advantage for anyone to say that they might not have beaten the Colts otherwise.

But I hate cheaters. After the Patriots reputation, and after hearing hall of fame QBs making statements about how Brady had to have known that the balls were under-inflated, it's hard for me to think that the team is completely innocent. And so, I was cheering for the Seahawks.

I've written too much to get into too many details of the game (unless you want me to continue this next week) so I'll be brief. I thought it was a very good game. I enjoyed watching it.

And I think the decision to pass the ball on 2nd and goal from 1-yard line when Marshawn Lynch is your running back probably ranks up there with some of the worst play calls I've ever seen in my life.

Here's my question for you: How do you feel about "loud-mouthed" athletes? Guys who might perform very well on the field, but are completely antagonistic to everyone else in the world (Richard Sherman, has-been guys like T.O. and Chad Ochocinco, even including guys in other sports). A lot of people are bothered by what is at least perceived as arrogance and greed for money and the limelight. Are you?

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When the Stars Align

Dear Jake

The Cubs have been doing everything right lately.  The problem is, they are still the Cubs.  I would like to think that being the Cubs isn't really a thing.  I'd like to think that the inability to maximize talent when it hits the actual ball field is just a figment of our imagination.  I would like to like the Cubs even.

Look at the best teams in the three biggest American sports right now.  When I say best, I really mean, current champions in out of season sports and leaders of in season sports.

Baseball = Giants
Basketball = Hawks and Warriors
Football = Patriots

I don't follow basketball as closely as I do baseball and football, but I have followed it closer this year than ever before.  I am starting to come to conclusions that the Cubs need to figure out if they are ever really going to be taken seriously in the "next year" conversation.

The best teams do not start with the talent they have.  They start with a system that works.  The system then, creates talent.

Take the Patriots.  At the top they have Robert Kraft.  He then has Belichick.  They then have Tom Brady.  They then have Gronkowski and crew.  They win a lot of games.  I think we too often jump to the conclusion that the majority of their wins are because Tom Brady and company is just that good.  I think that those first two mentioned are the largest part of why the Patriots win.  I think that there is an environment within that organization that holds itself to a higher standard and demands wins.  I think it demands an entire lifestyle that has a common goal.  If you want to play on that team, you buy into that system.  If you don't buy into it, they get rid of you, no matter how talented you are.  Those who buy into it suddenly become better at what they do.

The Seahawks this year fell into rhythm after they got rid of Percy Harvin.  He wasn't buying in.  They ditched him and boom, they got good again.  Percy Harvin is good.  Really good.  Four weeks ago if I said the name Chris Matthews, you'd think of the journalist that has the show Hardball on NBC.  Do you remember him?  Yeah, neither does anyone else because NOW when I say Chris Matthews you think of the guy who recovered and onside kick and then tried to become Superbowl legend in the first half on Feb 1.  It's teams that have the "organization before self" philosophy that win championships.

The Giants do it.  I'm not scared about losing Panda to the Red Sox.  Why?  The team makes the talent.  The talent does not make the team.

The Cardinals do it.  You waxed eloquently the other day about David Eckstein.  Talented?  Yes, but I think he can credit a fair amount of his success to an organization that expects the unlikeliest to perform better than everyone else.

The Atlanta Hawks had no one voted into the all-star game.  Yet they keep winning and winning and winning.  It's almost comical because the analysts don't really know what to talk about with them.  No one really stands out.

Dez Bryant wants a raise.  So does Murray.  It's quite the quandary if you are the Cowboys.  I believe some of that decision gets a bit easier if you have a system in place that doesn't need the best at every position to be the best team on the field.  Personally, I think that the Cowboys shouldn't fear losing either of them.  I think they have a stellar offensive line and if Romo is what he was this year, he'll make a decent receiver look like Dez Bryant. 

The Cubs have been doing everything right.  Their front office has had some inside changes too.  We'll see if that translates to on field performance.  I would like to believe it will.  Every Cubs fan in America would swear that it already has.  You have to constantly remind them that the season hasn't started yet.  They drive me nuts.  I think I'd love the Cubs if I didn't have to put up with the la la land fan club that they cart around.  I give them credit for loving a team that doesn't win, but I'd love THEM if they could talk about baseball with reality goggles.  Instead they have rose colored glasses permanently adhered to their face.

So I want to come back to baseball in a bit, but I have to know your thoughts on the Superbowl.  I have my own but I want to hear yours.

What's your take on the Seahawk's play call on the 1 yard line?
Is Tom Brady in the conversation for best QB?
What did you think about the game in general?
And if you aren't sick of it, what are your beliefs about deflategate?

I look forward to hearing from you on Thursday.

Sincerely,
Joel

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Risky business

Dear Joel,

I read an article yesterday called What is Acceptable Risk? It pointed out the absurdity of many of the things today's culture deems worthy of governmental regulation (or outright prohibition). Like how smoking cigarettes is growing more and more stigmatized, and is being banned in more and more places, while at the same time an avalanche of support for the legalization of marijuana can be found. Support for same sex marriage, and homosexual relationships in general, continues to grow despite evidence of the relatively high risk of disease that follows those who engage in such relationships. Atheism and divorce are both extremely prominent today, despite studies that show longer, happier, more fulfilled lives among the religious and those couples who remain married. The list went on.

I'm not trying to make political statements about the issues in the previous paragraph. I didn't check out the sources, and I have no interest in speaking to the statistical accuracy or inaccuracy of the article's claims. But the larger point is still made. The list of things we consider risky enough to prohibit or legislate is often ridiculous looking. 

Remember that guy in New York who wants to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces? I used to listen to Colin Cowherd on sports radio pretty regularly. I don't always like him or agree with him, but he used to say that when he's wondering if something is a good idea, he likes to "say it out loud" to see if it sounds dumb. That 16 ounce drink size limit fails such a test. Say this out loud: "I live in America, and I am not allowed to purchase a 20 ounce pop when I go to Taco Bell for lunch." Minimum wage laws are similarly dumb-sounding to me. Imagine a law that makes it illegal for you to go to an employer and ask if you can work for $5/hour.

If we really want to make the lives of citizens better, we should be prohibiting radio stations from broadcasting the sounds of emergency vehicle sirens. How dangerous is it to hear an ambulance or a police car while you're driving and start to hit the brakes and pull over onto the shoulder, only to realize that the sirens you hear are the background noise to a radio ad that's playing? And can't we more strongly enforce basic traffic laws like using your turn signal?

In light of everything above, my question for you this week is: How good will the Cubs be this season?

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Mole Hills and One Giant Mountain

Dear Jake,

I was sitting by my wife the other night when she read your letter.  When she got to the end and read your question to me, she rolled her eyes and groaned.  Maybe I rant too much.  I don't know.

I've been thinking all week about what to write.  Initially I thought it might be easy to come up with something to complain about, but when you stop and think about what you are complaining about, often you come to the conclusion that maybe it's not as big a deal to the rest of the world as it is to you and maybe, just maybe, you should just shove it.

There are many things that really get me steamed up.  I get annoyed by things like couples who sit on the same side of the booth when there is no one on the other side, parents who bring their young kids to R rated films, going through the drive thru and having to go back when they screw your order up, Beats Headphones, people who argue that Beats are in fact such high quality it merits spending ridiculous amounts of money, when my kids misplace my stuff, when I misplace my stuff, people that call their pets their kids, when someone complains to someone else about something you've done, facebook posts that don't use correct grammar or punctuation or that purposefully misspell things, when you can't tell if someone is male of female and they want it that way, and tons more that I just don't have the time to list.

I could rant on any of that (especially the Beats one) and probably make a pretty decent argument about how right I am about feeling that way.  In the end though, it probably isn't worth the time.  

There is at least one thing, however, that I think is worth the time. I hate.  I mean HATE that America is killing babies in utero.  That one is worth the words.  I hate it.  I hate that our government supports it, in fact encourages it.  I hate that our society embraces it and defends it.  I hate that humanity has been so deceived that we see any argument against it as being selfish and misogynistic.  I am not going to make an argument here though.  I'll let Matt Chandler do that. 

I try to keep an open mind when I talk about things with people who disagree with me.  On many things, maybe even most things, I've heard good arguments that, though I disagree and think they are wrong, I can at least see logical connections being made.  I can't see anything logical about the pro-choice movement and yet it is gaining ground in massive ways.

Have you ever heard a logical argument in favor of abortion?   What is another sociopolitical movement that is gaining ground, yet completely illogical?  Are there any?  What are they?  How important is it that you work to change the trends?  How would you go about it?

Those are heavy questions.  I look forward to hearing from you on Thursday.

Sincerely,
Joel

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