If Jimmy Dugan Were an Announcer

Dear Jake,

     That's easy.  I want to be the stadium announcer.  I don't want the pressure of play by play or color commentary, I just want to announce batters, special events, etc...  Since you've forced me to switch my dedication from the Giants to the Cardinals my family better get it's own suite and wait staff.  Season tickets by themselves won't do.

     I also want in on team meetings.  I don't need to have a vote or a say, but I want to be the first to know everything.  Also, you have to pay me at least $1 million a year.  I'm really good at announcing things.  I deserve to have a house and a membership at whatever golf course on the West Coast that I choose and that is what I will be doing in the off season.

     I also will work away games too.  I won't be announcing them, but I will be traveling with the team and visiting every stadium and player and manager in the MLB.  After all, as the announcer I need the compiled information from these trips to do my job well.  My family or any portion there-of will be welcome to accompany the team at their will.

     I would like my own VIP seat at the Cardinals Nation restaurant and bar.  I know from experience that their post-game parties are pretty wild and full of energy.  As an extravert, this is where I will need to recoup from my exhausting announcing job after the game.
 
     I'd like a midget or a set of identical twins to be my personal assistant(s).  Gender doesn't matter but faithfulness does.  I will treat them well and the job will be desirable.  Turnover in a position like that is not good.  I need consistency and will strive to make my assistant do the best job they can.

     I need access to the team dietician and strength coach.  I don't have to be a professional athlete to look like one.

     I want permission once a season to call out an umpire over the stadium speakers and say, "Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on?"

     Thanks for hiring me!  I'm so excited!

     What is your favorite sports movie of all time and why?

Sincerely,
Joel Rohde