Parenthood (not the tv show)

Dear Joel,

I really enjoyed that article. I don't find it difficult to believe that underpopulation is a problem. Any time we take a clear command of God (like "be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth") and implement its direct opposite (like actually legislating against the number of kids you're allowed to have), things don't work out well for us. It's amazing to me how arrogant of a species we are.

I'm also happy to hear of your excitement for Elizabeth's pregnancy. I'm looking forward to fatherhood. Yesterday I told Elizabeth that if my kid brings home a poorly drawn picture from Sunday school or something and presents it to me as a gift, I plan to say, "Thank you so much for drawing me this picture! It's really bad, though. You probably shouldn't be an artist." It was a joke. I probably wouldn't say that. Although, when you watch movies, you see that many of life's most successful people only achieve success after a childhood of being told they weren't good enough. So maybe reverse psychology would be a decent parenting method. The more I tell my kids how bad they are at stuff, the harder they'll work to prove me wrong, and the more likely that one day I'll be the father of a billionaire. Or the father of a president.

So for the next 6 months I'll be prepping to be a dad. As someone with almost 8 years of fatherhood under your belt, what are the most important things I need to know? When Buddy the Elf leaves for New York City, Santa warns him of the realities of gum on the street (not free candy) and clubs that advertise "peep shows" (doesn't mean you get to peek at Christmas presents early). What warnings do you have for me? What bits of advice? What funny things to look forward to?

Also, just for fun, you should give me some "rejected baby names." Not necessarily names you strongly considered and then didn't use, but off-the-wall names that no sane person should ever name their kid (if one of those names is on my potential list, I'll be sure to remove it so I don't feel silly later).

Have fun.

Sincerely,

Jake