Pray for Rain

Dear Jake,

What do I do when it rains and suddenly we have a free night?

1. Redbox - two movies - one family movie - one parents only movie

2. Blanket fort - Bring the kitchen chairs out, circle them near the banister and the rocking chair - use the giant afghan Pam has - wrestle Eva and try to keep her from ruining things as fast as you can build them

3. Get out the ol' air popper and watch with the kids as the popcorn pops - toss in some Greek seasoning so that dad can have a "secret ingredient"

4. Put the family movie on and watch it in the blanket fort while eating popcorn

5. Send the kids to bed

6. Leave the blanket fort up so that you can conceal the mess underneath it for the time being

7. Watch parents only movie while snuggling on the couch

8. Go to bed but not to sleep

9. ...

10.  Sleep

What is an obsolete government program you think we should do away with and could be terminated with minimal impact on people?

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Boy or Girl?

Dear Joel,

I appreciated your post on Monday. It was full of great information. I have it bookmarked for regular reference.

Things I can't wait to do with my child? There are a lot of things, but many of them depend on whether we have a boy or a girl! 

If it's a boy, I can't wait to teach him to play baseball. And coach his teams.

If it's a girl, I can't wait to take her on daddy-daughter dates. And I'll be praying hard that she chooses softball and not soccer. Or dance.

Yes, we plan to find out whether it's a boy or a girl. I understand the surprise can be fun, and I won't entirely rule out the possibility of a surprise for a child we may have sometime down the line. But for the first one, I want people to be able to throw Elizabeth a baby shower, and not have every toy and clothing item be yellow and green (as much as we like John Deere). Plus, we're both planners. We like to be prepared. Since my understanding is that there's no way on earth to be adequately prepared for parenthood, it makes sense to me to prepare for those things for which it is possible.

If we do have some kind of a reveal party (we haven't really discussed that yet), you and your family are definitely invited. What method do you think we should use to announce our baby's gender?

Did I tell you we're planning to do a home birth? As Jim Gaffigan might say, we're making that decision "just to make you uncomfortable." So does it?

We saw the new Disney-Pixar movie Inside Out last weekend. We really enjoyed it. Clever and funny. And now I know how kids' minds work, which probably means I'll be a better parent than any parent who has ever parented before. Mark it down. It's a lock.

What do you like to do when rain and thunderstorms cancel all of your previously planned summer activities?

Sincerely,

Jake

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Coming Soon

Dear Jake,

     It's the best of times, it's the worst of times, it's being a dad time.  There is nothing on the earth as difficult and nothing as rewarding as parenthood.  It is a blessing and a curse.  It is hot and cold, up and down, left and right, perfect and imperfect, light and dark.  It sucks and it's awesome.  Welcome to the club.

     You asked for warnings. It would be impossible to create an exhaustive list but I'll give you some warnings.

• Morning sickness is poorly named.  It can just as easily be noon sickness or night sickness.
• Your wife may start running into walls.
• You may end up running to odd stores at add times of night to find odd foods for odd cravings.
• Your wife will tell you she's tired.  This isn't laziness or a plea for attention.  She's actually tired.  While the fatigue will last throughout parenting, it is especially extreme during pregnancy and the first year post part um.
• You can't really help much.  You will try.  You will fail.  Just love her and serve her.  That's the only way you can save face.
• You are done sleeping for awhile as well.  Even if your child sleeps through the night upon arriving home from the hospital, you won't sleep like you are used to for a looooooooooooong time.  I haven't for 7.5 years. 
• You will be embarrassed a lot.  Kids have a sixth sense about knowing when to say inappropriate things at inappropriate times.  It's like they can't help it.
• You will experience all types of bodily fluid.  Get used to it.
• You will find out you know nothing about parenting.  After awhile you will start to think you have things somewhat managed and maybe even a little figured out.  When you get to this point, you may think you want another child.  If you have one, you will find out you know nothing about parenting.  When you get to the point you think things are somewhat manageable with two and you go to three, the cycle ends.  You learn that you know nothing about parenting, never did, and never will.
• Very well meaning people also think that they know how to parent better than you.  Most of the time these are people without children.  Though they don't happen often, take their looks, whispers behind your back, and lack of tact with a grain of salt.  It turns out that the previous point applies to them as well.
• You start seeing your dad in the mirror more clearly every day.
• You quickly lose your long term memory.  Life before children becomes a vague recollection.  You also lose your short term memory and can't find your phone or your keys ever.
• You don't have money now, nor will you ever.
• You will get constant lessons in what sin nature actually looks like; your children's and your own.
• You will hear your mother in your head all the time.  Your kids will hear your mother through your mouth.
• You are a bigger hypocrite than you think.  Pray hard about this one.
• Your kids have a 7th sense that can detect when intimacy is on the horizon.  As soon as they detect any sign that physical affection is coming they will interrupt.  This starts as soon as they are born and it is very real.
• You will experience anger far greater than any you've ever felt before.  This applies even to those who've been successfully blamed for a fart in front of an entire classroom of people.
• They will start to read and spell.  Once they can do this there is no more hiding anything.  You can't spell anything to your spouse anymore.
• There is no place sacred anymore.  If you thought pooping or taking a shower was guaranteed alone time, think again.
• Your kids are messy and they always mess up your stuff. Often they break your stuff.  Get over your stuff.  Don't buy anything nice for the next 18-25 years.  Resist the urge!
• They will break your heart a lot.  They will tell you they hate you.  They will manipulate you.  They will sometimes treat you like garbage.  They will make you realize that you treated your parents like garbage too.

There are many more warnings.  I could honestly go all night.  But you probably need some good news right about now.  Here's some awesome things about parenting.  While the list may or may not be longer than the warnings because I'm not in the mood to write all night, know that the weight of the good is far heavier than the bad.

• Your wife will become even more attractive to you than she is even now.  Her pregnancy will reveal a whole different type of beauty that you didn't know existed.
• You will learn teamwork in a whole different way and your wife will become more important to you than she is even now.  It's a type of oneness that is so mysterious and real and good.  Nothing in this life is as rewarding as this reality. Except Jesus.
• The second you meet your child you will be introduced to a different type of love.  It's an automatic and fierce love that only comes from becoming a parent. It's awesome and scary at the same time.  You will at times want to squeeze your baby super duper hard.  Don't do it.  You could kill them.  Just hold back and squeeze them nicely.
• You get bonus happiness when your children behave and people notice and then point it out to you.
• You gain a superpower of understanding with other people's children when they misbehave in public.  If you don't gain this superpower you are just a jerk.
• Your baby will probably fart loudly during church.  If you're lucky it will be during a prayer.  You will laugh a lot and the people around you will laugh as well.  It's funny and everyone thinks so.
• As a bonus, you can blame your farts on your kids.
• They love you back.  No one in your life will probably ever love you like they do.  Even when they treat you poorly and say nasty things, they don't mean it.
• They are quick to forgive you.  They aren't this way with everyone necessarily, but with you, they will hold no grudge.
• Everything is new.  There is always a new milestone or big thing to celebrate.  It's inexplicable the joy that comes from trying their first ice cream, taking their first step, or losing a tooth.  It's a shared joy.
• Holidays are new and you get to create your own traditions.  It's super fun.
• You get to learn with them and be impressed by them.
• You can play whenever you want because they will always want to play with you.
• You get to be someone's superhero.
• Blanket forts make a comeback
• You have a great excuse to sit and watch Disney and Pixar movies.  You even get to sing along with the songs.
• If you are smart you will one day get to experience the joy of owning a min-van.  Most men don't want the mini-van, but once you have owned one you will fall in love with owning mini-vans.  They are the most comfortable and convenient vehicles ever.

 You asked if I had advice.  I hesitate to give advice because of the point I mentioned earlier about realizing that I know nothing about parenting.  Here's the thing.  You will know your child better than anyone and you will need to parent your child differently than I parent mine.  However, there are things that have worked for us that I can share with you.  Take them however you will.

• Surround yourself with gracious and encouraging people.  Seek out people that you want to be like and that you want your kids to be like.  Spend time with people that are older than you who have raised children.  Soak in their wisdom.
• Don't be afraid to sound like mom and dad.  They did a pretty good job I think.
• Take advantage of the moments you can.  Don't try to program everything.  Invest throughout the day each day.  When we started having kids people told us we should schedule a regular date night each week.  There was this pressure to spend the time and money on that.  Don't feel guilty if you can't afford to program that sort of stuff.  If you want to get away and go on a date with your wife, great!  Don't feel guilty.  If you don't want to leave your baby or your kids, great! Don't feel guilty.  There isn't a rule book and no one can tell you how to raise your children.  Except Jesus.
• You can call mom late.  She is 2 hours behind us time wise and stays up late.  Sometimes you just want to complain to her.  She gets it.  Call her.  Just don't complain about your wife.  It's not nice to your wife and mom will probably just side with her anyway.
• We love Christian education.  I encourage people to choose Christian education.  We've talked about all the reasons why.  If you don't choose Christian education, great!  Don't feel guilty.
• Give yourself time to wind down with your kids at the end of the day.  People will start telling you to enjoy every moment and that time goes by fast.  Try your best to heed that advice.  Teach your kids to live right now.  Teach them not to worry about tomorrow or regret the past.  God always is present.  Be present now.
• Pray for them all the time.  Seriously.  I know how bad a parent I am.  I daily beg God to redeem my shortfalls.  I beg him to turn my sinful spawn into righteous men and women.  This is truly mine and their only hope.
• Don't judge other parents and don't give advice until they ask for it.  Otherwise they will probably hate you.

I hope that answers your questions.  I hope you thoroughly enjoy this time right now.  I hope you enjoy every second of it.  Pam and I are both so excited for the two of you.

I'm supposed to ask a question now.  What are some of the things you just can't wait to do with your child?  Also, are you going to find out boy or girl or are you going to be surprised?  IF you find out and have a gender reveal party am I invited?  I am always in favor of the surprise though.  It's fun.

Sincerely,
Joel

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Parenthood (not the tv show)

Dear Joel,

I really enjoyed that article. I don't find it difficult to believe that underpopulation is a problem. Any time we take a clear command of God (like "be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth") and implement its direct opposite (like actually legislating against the number of kids you're allowed to have), things don't work out well for us. It's amazing to me how arrogant of a species we are.

I'm also happy to hear of your excitement for Elizabeth's pregnancy. I'm looking forward to fatherhood. Yesterday I told Elizabeth that if my kid brings home a poorly drawn picture from Sunday school or something and presents it to me as a gift, I plan to say, "Thank you so much for drawing me this picture! It's really bad, though. You probably shouldn't be an artist." It was a joke. I probably wouldn't say that. Although, when you watch movies, you see that many of life's most successful people only achieve success after a childhood of being told they weren't good enough. So maybe reverse psychology would be a decent parenting method. The more I tell my kids how bad they are at stuff, the harder they'll work to prove me wrong, and the more likely that one day I'll be the father of a billionaire. Or the father of a president.

So for the next 6 months I'll be prepping to be a dad. As someone with almost 8 years of fatherhood under your belt, what are the most important things I need to know? When Buddy the Elf leaves for New York City, Santa warns him of the realities of gum on the street (not free candy) and clubs that advertise "peep shows" (doesn't mean you get to peek at Christmas presents early). What warnings do you have for me? What bits of advice? What funny things to look forward to?

Also, just for fun, you should give me some "rejected baby names." Not necessarily names you strongly considered and then didn't use, but off-the-wall names that no sane person should ever name their kid (if one of those names is on my potential list, I'll be sure to remove it so I don't feel silly later).

Have fun.

Sincerely,

Jake

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MORE BABIES PLEASE!

Jake,

Would you think I was crazy if I said that underpopulation might be the biggest problem we face in 10 years?

We always hear about overpopulation being a big issue, but by all accounts, overpopulation is simply not a threat.  In fact we so undervalue life that we don't have enough people on the planet to sustain us economically.  I could regurgitate the facts and figures, but this article really explains the issue.  It's big, we don't hear about it, and we keep voting in life hating democrats.

http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2015/06/15131/

So let me say thanks to you and Elizabeth for joining us in doing our part to populate the earth.  We are so very excited for you.

What are your thoughts about this article?

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In the first place...

Dear Joel,

Do you remember Fred Penner's Place? I really don't remember too much about the show, but I remember the setting. The "place" of the show's title was a sort of den in a forest, completely surrounded by trees and rocks and other natural formations, and Fred could only get in and out of it by crawling through a fallen, hollowed-out tree trunk. It was a shaded, damp, cool place that seemed to allow for complete privacy even while in the middle of the great outdoors.

When I think about a "happy place," that's the kind of place I picture. Obviously, I would want mine to be a little less fictional. And without weird puppet characters inside. But I like shade (probably because I easily burn), and I like water (I think there was a stream of some kind flowing through his "place," but if not, there would be in mine).

So when you ask, "If you could visit just one location on earth, where would it be and why?" I start asking myself where could I go that would be like that?

On the other hand, I like learning about the history of western civilization. And castles. So I'd probably pick Europe. Can Europe count as "one location on earth?"

I also like baseball. So maybe I'd just go to Fenway Park and watch a Yankees-Red Sox game.

What do you think will be the most important issue our country will be facing in 10 years?

Sincerly,

Jake

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It Could be Rocky.

Dear Jake,

Pretty soon my family will be going to Colorado for vacation.  For Gabriel's 6th birthday we went to Spain.  Micah turned 6 and wanted to go to China, but since Pam is no longer with Delta Global Services we have to pay for airfare again.  So Colorado it is.  We will be stopping in Licoln NE to pick up George and Helen who are then taking us to an exclusive cabin smack dab in the middle of National forest.  This is no ordinary cabin.  It was built sometime around the civil war.  It has no electricity or plumbing.  It has a kerosine stove and kerosine refrigerator.   We will likely be eating fish that we catch or animals we shoot.

I'm pretty excited about the trip.

Happy Monday.

If you could visit just one location on earth, where would it be an why?

Sincerely,
Joel

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Dear Joel

Dear Joel,

Besides being incredibly good looking, smart, funny, charismatic, and charming, you are a great friend.  I find it admirable that you have sired four adorable children and that your wife is smoking hot even, or especially, after said children.  I thought you should know.

Also, you play the guitar which is cool.  You also play softball and raise a healthy looking fish named rainbow.  You have very sweetly memorized the names and cutie marks of all the important My Little Ponies and you can sing along to the theme song to Phineas and Ferb without flaw.

You have written poetry and songs.  You have hit home runs and scored touchdowns.  You have seen the beaches of North Shore Hawaii and gazed upon the still leaking oil of the USS Arizona.  You have walked the bridges of London and panned for gold among the glaciers of Alaska.  You have followed the Freedom Trail and hugged Giant Sequoias.  Your travels have enlightened you.

You are so full of yourself.

Sincerely,
Joel

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Simply En Fuego

Dear Jake,

Chew on this: before May 15th the SF Giants were 18-18. Since May 18th that same team is 13-2.  They went from 3rd place in their division to first place.  I guess I shouldn't say "that same team" because they really aren't the same at all.

Baseball is the ultimate stat sport.  "Moneyball" was trendy for awhile and in some places still is.  Entire organizations are swayed by the lure of stats that lead to wins.  This makes sense, what team doesn't want to win?  I would argue however, that there are some immeasurable and intangible things that can be even more important that WIP, slugging percentage, and other stats.  I think team chemistry can make or break a season.

So what happened on May 18th that changed the team in San Francisco?

There is a man named Hunter Pence that was activated after being injured.  Almost across the board each individual player on the team has seen an increase in their stat lines since he's returned.  Maybe this is coincidence. Maybe it's just a correlation that isn't impacted by Pence.  I really believe that Pence is a fire starter on that team though.  He hustles everywhere and doesn't go a single pitch without going all in.  He dives for things, is constantly boosting his team's moral by giving crazy speeches, and takes control of the mood of their entire home stadium.  I would want to play on his team because he won't let you stay down.

Do you think that a single player can have that much of a dramatic impact on an entire team?  How important is chemistry in a locker room?  What do you think?

Sincerely,
Joel

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